Some Common Sense From The “HeartLand” Of America
FROM Kansas.com ~ More ‘best’ of Opinion Line 2009
Author: ‘Unknown’
Instead of hanging what looks like male anatomy from the bottom of your truck, why don’t you just get a bumper sticker that says, “I’m an idiot”?
I think the Obamas should name their new dog “Maverick.”
If we are going to have a “rock star” president, can it at least be Ted Nugent?
I’m always amazed at these guys who get arrested in prostitution stings. Any idiot knows that if she has teeth, she’s a police officer.
I don’t mind my tax money going to help the truly helpless, but it burns me up when it goes to the lazy and clueless.
You ladies out there who think it’s sexy to smoke cigarettes and have tattoos plastered all over and put rings in your noses and your ears: You look like floozies.
I am proud to live in a country where I can smoke cigarettes, have tattoos, put rings in my nose and ears, and look like a “floozy” if I so choose. If you don’t like it, then don’t look.
The United States is currently in two wars. The economy is in the tank. Unemployment is rising, and Wichitans are complaining about restaurant service.
Not owing MasterCard a dime: priceless.
The only difference between a terrorist and a freedom fighter is a public relations man.
Opinion Line should be renamed the Tower of Babble.
It’s finally time to say, “Good riddance to bad rub-Bush” and get ready to “Barack and roll.”
Well, we have a new president. I hope he can lead our country better than he could lead the first lady on the dance floor.
I’m running out of candles and incense for my Obama commemorative plate shrine. Please help.
Two weeks into the new administration and nobody’s tried to take my gun away. Nobody’s turned my church into a mosque. Nobody’s forced me to have an abortion. What’s taking them so long?
Mr. Obama: I’ll keep my guns, my freedom and my money. You keep the change.
Asking the Republicans for advice on how to fix our economy is like asking that California octuplet mother about birth control.
I lost my job because of the economic downturn. If I could get all of my bill collectors together to employ me to call myself as much as they call me, I could afford to pay them all off.
When the state makes it legal to buy strong beer at the grocery store and convenience stores, I expect we’ll have a lot more UFO sightings.
Republicans, Democrats. Bloods, Crips. What’s the difference? Think about it.
All those who still want to be able to invest your Social Security in the stock market, raise your hand. George Bush? Really?
As voters, we stink. Tattoo this on your arm: Truly smart people don’t run for office, and what we need right now are some truly smart people.
My new plan for the future will be the Oklahoma casinos. The way things are, I have a much better chance of earning my retirement there than by working hard and trusting the government.
It is a popular delusion that the government wastes vast amounts of money through inefficiency and sloth. Enormous effort and elaborate planning are required to waste this much money.
Obama’s change is what is left in our retirement accounts.
Now that the city has added an ordinance dealing with cats and dogs that defecate in other people’s yards, it needs to deal with the birds that defecate on my car.
I think it’s time we put the City Council on a leash.
What’s the difference between Obama and Jesus? Jesus knew how to build a cabinet.
Don’t spread my wealth, spread my work ethic.
President Obama was elected promising hope and change. Four years of this administration will leave us hopeless and in chains.
Having been in law enforcement for more than 20 years, I can tell you the hardest part of the job is keeping the powdered sugar off the front of your uniform.
Members of Congress should be made to wear “uniforms” like NASCAR drivers, so that we all could identify their corporate (special interest) sponsors.
OK, everyone, just relax on these Obama-Geithner bailout deals. I’ll tell you when to panic. OK, it’s time now. Panic.
When I joined the Republican Party, I was surprised to receive my gift of rose-colored 1980s Reagan glasses, earplugs to drown out factual disagreement and a big megaphone to keep up with Rush Limbaugh.
I bet that suicide bomber won’t have the guts to do that again.
When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half are going to take care of them, and when the other half get the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is about the end of any nation. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.
Watching Obama try to run this country is like watching an 8-year-old at the controls of a 747.
President Bush is making a comeback every day. He did not always do the right thing. But at least he knew what he was doing.
Note to KWCH, Channel 12: I did not buy a high-definition TV for a play-by-play of a thunderstorm.
I, uh, agree with the, uh, person who said that it is, uh, refreshing to, uh, have a president who can, uh, speak in complete, uh, sentences.
We should have an Opinion Line pity party. I’d love to see all these Opinion Line contributors in the same room together.
It’s amazing to me that people can be so focused on having peace that they are willing to fight to get it.
It takes a village of smokers to raise a child.
The obesity epidemic is over in Wichita. Let the funnel-cake eating contest begin.
In respectful deference to Joyce Kilmer: I thought that I should never see the day that Tiger would hit a tree.
About $750,000 per school for artificial turf for something as worthless as sports. It’s a good thing this country isn’t in a recession.
Mariners, 3; pirates, 0: The best score you will see all year.
Now we know exactly how our country “tortured” people. Worse things happen on a grade school playground. We are becoming the laughingstock of the world.
Putting Kathleen Sebelius in charge of the Department of Health and Human Services is like putting Michael Vick in charge of a humane society.
So a letter writer thinks all obese people should be banned from public places? I think all sanctimonious, rude and judgmental people should be banned from calling themselves “human beings” and be made to walk around with “moron” branded on their forehead.
Man, right when I thought Thomas Etheredge had enough problems, now he has another one — he just doesn’t look good in orange.
You know you’re a Kansan when you fall asleep to frogs and crickets.
Easy way to solve our country’s budget problems: Charge those who think rules don’t apply to them $10 each. In six months, we would be fine.
I love C-SPAN. It’s the only place where I can put the politicians on mute.
Bicyclists need to be arrested when riding on busy streets. You tree huggers have gone way too far on this.
After the first 100 days, I think President Obama needs his transmission checked. It seems the only gear he has is reverse.
Once Obama shoves socialized medicine down our throats, the first patient should be Nancy Pelosi — to be fitted for hearing aids.
With North Korea’s recent midrange missile launch and nuclear bomb test, maybe my shrinking 401(k) won’t matter after all.
If Republicans are trying to rebrand themselves, why are they using the same old white guys to spread the message?
What’s the point of having three different arenas all within 30 minutes of each other?
Have all the men thrown away their combs and shaving equipment?
Southwest Kansas is getting its coal-fired plant. Now you know why Sens. Sam Brownback and Pat Roberts supported Kathleen Sebelius’ appointment as secretary of Health and Human Services.
I want to help the economy by going out to spend, spend, spend, but my wife won’t let me.
I saw the ultimate in cell-phone addiction: a woman bowling with her right hand while holding a cell phone to her left ear.
The people who set the timing of the traffic lights in Wichita are either in cahoots with OPEC or stupid.
I’ve got a new name for Wichita: Land of the Big Bottoms.
Now that George Tiller is unfortunately gone from our midst, I wonder what Phill Kline is going to do with his extra time. Maybe take up knitting.
I know many people who are experienced, educated and reasonable and yet voted for Barack Obama. What’s worse, they still support him. What manner of sorcery is being perpetrated here to make intelligent people act so stupidly?
When aliens in flying saucers come flying over Wichita and see the new arena, they’re going to say “goody, goody” and land to get acquainted.
Here’s an idea: Before you tear up Kellogg and tell us that we might want to consider taking another route, you might want to finish fixing some of the other routes first.
Why is it that gays want to get married and straight people want to live together?
I don’t watch “American Idol.” But I did catch the most recent finale, and God chose the rightful winner.
Why is it that when a politician promises a tax cut, it always ends up costing us more money?
If evolution really happens, why are we so worried about the ozone and the environment? Won’t we evolve quickly enough to adapt?
The CIA needn’t waterboard these poor detainees. The background music from “America’s Next Top Model” will get the same results. Better yet — submit the terrorists to ice-cream truck music 24/7.
Irony defines the Republicans. They complain about the Democratic government taking away freedoms, yet are OK with a Republican government tapping their phones.
With global warming on the rise and sea level rising by 3 feet, don’t you think the government should mandate swimming lessons?
Obama has broken his promise of a fairy-tale existence. The unicorns are actually donkeys wearing dunce caps.
Regarding the All-America City award: I’m surprised it took only 30 people to fly to Tampa to collect it. Maybe next year we can send more people.
The Republican Party needs to change its mascot to a horse, since all Republicans have been able to say for the past six months is “nay.” They forget the rubber stamp they gave to all the Bush proposals, good or bad, during the past eight years.
The fact that an airline pilot died in midair and Michael Jackson died with a doctor nearby tells me that God is in control, not man.
Have the news media ever considered that about 270 million Americans have no interest in Michael Jackson, dead or alive?
Why is it that every time Judge Sonia Sotomayor smiles, she looks like a cat that just ate the canary?
As a small-business owner with employees, I will be forced to lay some off if the Democrats raise my taxes. The first to go will be the ones with faded Obama bumper stickers on their cars.
Sure, carry on about the Gitmo detainees being waterboarded. I had to endure “The Bachelorette,” and I don’t hear any of you crying for me.
When Kellogg is finished, folks will be able to go all the way through town and not stop. If I didn’t live here, I wouldn’t stop either.
Sweaty, inconsiderate citizens of Wichita, lend me your ears: Take a shower before you go out to shop for groceries on the same day as I do. I should not have to hold my breath as you reach for produce near me with your tank top on.
Forget about the stock market and racial harmony. The only thing President Obama can grow is government and a set of ears.
They say it takes all kinds. Although we have “all kinds,” I am certain we don’t need them all.
If every Wichitan bought a Ford and a Mudslide and wore a seat belt, would the commercial pitch people leave us alone?
Definition of a liberal: A person who will give away everything he does not own.
I just saw the new Sarah Palin book. She’s cuter than a spotted puppy and half as smart.
A Christian prison? Are there really enough Christians who need to go to jail to make that worthwhile?
Barack Obama’s election was nothing more than an expression of rebellion, much like high school students who vote for a cross-dresser for homecoming queen.
I think it should be illegal to use children to sell products on television.
Barack Obama is bringing back so many Clinton people for his administration. Will he be bringing back Monica Lewinsky, too?
I wonder if Gov. Kathleen Sebelius can tell us which category late-term abortions come under: Health or Human Services?
Bush kept us safe. Obama emptied our safes.
Obama is killing capitalism one CEO at a time.
OK, the joke is up. Bring back President Bush.
Scientists predict global catastrophe in 50 years but they can’t predict a hailstorm 20 minutes before it happens. Why should I believe them?
America: where people believe vaccines are dangerous and guns are not.
Let’s have all the Christians line up on one side of the line and all the non-Christians line up on the other side of the line. Looks like a Christian country to me.
Come on, Wichita, it’s almost the Fourth of July. Take your Christmas lights down.
I would like to buy Dick Cheney for what he is worth and sell him for what he thinks he is worth. I would feed the nation.
Why spend $80 million to move the detainees to U.S. soil? Send a few ACLU types to Gitmo to hold their hands.
Every time I drive by the downtown arena, I smile like the butcher’s dog. That thing is awesome.
I think I can solve the parking problem for the new arena. It should be torn down and turned into its own parking lot. That way it won’t cost the taxpayers any more money.
Neat little parking map (Dec. 1 Eagle). Now stop blowing sunshine up my skirt and tell me where the other 11,000 people are going to park.
If the dinosaurs had only given up their big SUVs, they might still be here today. Let’s heed their example.
Rep. Todd Tiahrt thinks carbon dioxide is a harmless gas that we all exhale. He should lock himself in an abandoned refrigerator for an hour and then decide what he thinks.
If carbon dioxide is a pollutant, I’m Auntie Em.
Any laid-off aircraft workers who want a job that will last for infinity need only apply to be on the crew working at Kellogg and Rock Road.
If Kellogg were a racetrack, there would be fewer wrecks. Race car drivers don’t talk on cell phones, put on their makeup and read while driving.
Yes, Kellogg is a racetrack. And if you can’t hang with the big dogs, don’t get off the porch.
Ban vehicular traffic from Kellogg and allow only horses. That way we could recognize horses’ behinds from a distance.
I went to the gun show on Saturday, and you know what? Barack Obama is the gun salesman of the month.
America is great. Only here can someone who is a tax evader become Treasury secretary — if he’s a Democrat.
A picture of Obama’s spine will begin appearing on milk cartons coast-to-coast.
Would someone please tell Obama to give up his jet and see how efficient he is?
The difference between Republicans and Democrats when it comes to the Constitution is that the Republicans use a regular shredder and the Democrats use a cross-cut shredder.
Republicans should remember that even God could only take so much complaining in the desert.
The new catchphrase should be: “It’s 10 p.m.; do you know where your elected officials are?”
Politicians are like talking dogs in a circus. The fact that they exist is uncommonly interesting, but no sane person would actually believe what they say.
Opinion Line is for those who like to see their opinions in print so they have somebody to agree with.
I would say that the Wichita City Council members are not smarter than a fifth-grader.
My Wichita Eagle delivered to my door: 53 cents. My 5 o’clock pot of coffee: 23 cents. Four years of Obama bashing: priceless.
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